Welcome to the gym — a place where dreams collapse under the weight of failed reps and disappointed glances. A sacred sanctuary for the brokenhearted craving remedy, the fitness bros “looking for those gains,” the treadmill moms speed-walking at the pace I sprint and the rare once-in-a-while attendees. Everybody knows the key to a good workout isn’t the protein shake or raw eggs consumed beforehand, but the right music. I don’t mean the cliche hype, energetic “beast mode” mix. No. What you need is a playlist that accurately reflects the emotional rollercoaster innately involved with going to the gym.
I’m here to offer you a perfectly curated playlist to take you through the stages of your workout: depression, false hope, frustration, defeat, happiness and a myriad of other emotions you didn’t know a pullup could induce. This playlist does the work for you. Your only task is to hit “play” when you’re ready for this cathartic experience.
It’s a known fact that the hardest part of going to the gym is actually getting there. I call this the grief stage — where you mourn the loss of the comfort of your “dingle” (a dorm room fit for one person, but shared between two) and anticipate the future sweat running through every crevice of your body. As you begin your journey to the lovely Keohane Sports Center (KSC), start up this playlist and you’ll be serenaded with a ballad by our friend Elliott Smith. “Between the Bars” allows time to reflect on this walk, consider life decisions, and maybe even shed a tear. I’ve included an extra couple of sad songs in case you want to sit with your emotions a little longer before mustering the courage to enter the KSC.
You’ve made it to the gym. This sad music slowly fades out. You swipe your OneCard and lock eyes with the front desk student worker who seems to know this workout will steal your joy. It’s time to warm up. Here, you’ll enter a hopeful mindset — a chance to gain self confidence. 1990’s hit “Barbie Girl” by Aqua is sure to get you in the mood. Step on up to the treadmill and begin your warmup run. This section of the playlist also contains “Rasputin” by Boney M. and “Hung Up” by Madonna so you can enjoy your treadmill strut. Legs feeling fresh, ego inflated, “Barbie Girl” playing, what could go wrong?
Five minutes into your treadmill warmup, reality settles in. The line of sweat appears on your back, your breathing sounds slightly off putting, and the exit sign seems like your destined oasis. Meanwhile, the person on the treadmill next to you has been at a steady pace for over forty minutes without revealing a drip of sweat. But you persist because quitting now would mean admitting Barbie lied to us and no workout is strong enough to handle that kind of heartbreak. Cue “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns and Roses.
The delicious sound of metal grinding against metal in this “dad garage rock” banger calls to your dark side. Ready to lift some “heavy stuff,” you walk swiftly to the weights section like you own the place. With Axl Rose screaming in your ears, you ambitiously grab weights without considering the consequences your body will most definitely feel the next day (but who cares? This is “the jungle.” Welcome.) This section of the workout is dedicated to powerlifting — the main chunk of your workout. Muscles will rebel and threaten to go on strike, but you keep going! Songs you’ll hear in this section include “Back In Black” by AC/DC and Disney’s “Lemonade Mouth” masterpiece “Determinate” by the “Lemonade Mouth” cast.
After repping out set after set, you reach the spiritual “I am Zeus” status. You don’t just lift these weights, they lift you to new dimensions. Your form? Questionable. Ego? Boosted. Records (and your back)? Shattered.
Post workout — I call this the vanity stage — as you make your way to the wall of mirrors. You pretend you’re not admiring your physique in the mirror even though everybody, including that one student worker at the front desk, knows you are. This is your chance to bask in your success. This unstoppable, on top of the world feeling does nothing but evoke the one and only hit film “The Lorax.” The playlist will fade into “How Bad Can I Be” by Ed Helms and The Lorax Singers because you deserve a profound, earth-shattering villain anthem. Other songs dedicated to this unforgettable feeling include “Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart (yes, you are).
There’s nothing better than finishing a workout with classical music in the background — what a cinematic finale. Although you may see stars, you conquered the workout. As you exit the KSC, you’ll hear Tchaikovsky (heavy on the Swan Lake), Debussy and Mozart. This classical trio will carry you home to that lovely dingle.
Contact the editors responsible for this story: Julee Sharma, Katie McCabe
