To: Wellesley College Community
From: The Good Girlz (Jaula Pohnson and her backup gals)
WOAW-UAW REJECTS MEDIATION—like a bunch of nerds—CHOOSES TO STRIKE
Yesterday, at what felt like our millionth weekly bargaining session with WOAW-UAW, the College came to the negotiating table with epic new proposals that represented significant movement on all of the most consequential issues in dispute between the College and WOAW. This was a good-faith effort on the College’s part to move these negotiations to closure—what perfect little angels we are!
In response, the ungrateful little bitch babies union not only outright rejected the very generous packages, it gave us a long-ass document that represented, in their words (not pictures, like we had requested), the bargaining unit’s “priorities.” The College’s team was very disappointed (frowny face emoji) by the union’s response and frustrated that it rejected our meaningful package offers without even patting our heads or kneeling at our feet.
Earlier today, the College offered to move to mediation, that problem-solving thing we saw on Barney. Even though our mommies assured us we were being nice, WOAW-UAW rejected this offer. Instead, the union continues its plans to begin a strike tomorrow. Fake ass hoes.
The College’s highest priority is our status students, and we are committed to preserving the continuity of our academic program because the donations will stop if we don’t. We want to assure you that we are making every effort to ensure campus operations continue as usual. Kinda.
AND! We want to make sure the community understands the generous new proposals the College made yesterday that the union has rejected. In our infinite kindness, we have offered:
- Autographed copies of Hillary Clinton’s Living History: You’re welcome
- A pool party: There will be bouncy slides, tubes, and pool noodles. Pizza will be provided ($5 for guest lecturers) (no bags no bottles) (???PJ@yahoo@wellesley.edu)
- Free, conveniently located housing: tents on Sev Green. Get cozy!
- A Half-Lifetime supply of artisanal, hand-crafted organic gluten-free granola bars: Brain fuel for grading! Yummy!
- Unprecedented increases in compensation: $12 extra for every course taken on in addition to the mandatory five
- Commemorative plaques with the phrase “World’s Best Adjunct”: Can be supplemented with three (3) rolls of little gold star stickers.
- DIY Crafting Kits: Filled with pom-poms, glitter glue, and googly eyes. Perfect for when you need to “decompress” from all that “hard work”
- LinkedIn Connection with Jaula Pohnson: For when you’re looking for a new job (as her lackey).
But even so, our subordinate faculty members have refused to compromise and accept our terms. This makes us very sad because we love being in charge. The union continues to insist on a compensation package that offers an average increase of 54% in the first year of the contract, average per-person raises of $54,000 for those with 10 to 20 years of experience, and average per-person raises of $64,000 for those with more than 20 years of experience. Like, who can even do that kind of math? So unreasonable.
First contracts take on average more than a year to negotiate. The College has been working hard over the past 10 months in good faith to try to negotiate a fair agreement with the union, but they’re meanies, and we’re like, ever so eepy, so…
Thank you to all members of Wellesley (except for the aforementioned fake ass hoes) for your continued dedication to our community and mission. Remember to subscribe and smash that like button for more updates!
To: Wellesley College Community
From: The Class Deans
Re: WOAW-UAW REJECTS MEDIATION——CHOOSES TO STRIKE
Lmao what is going on?
To: Wellesley College Community
From: The Class Deans
Re: Re: WOAW-UAW REJECTS MEDIATION——CHOOSES TO STRIKE
Haha get pranked. We know, we just won’t tell you LOL you should’ve seen the look on ur face.
To: Wellesley College Community
From: Mark from Collins Cafe
Re: Re: Re: WOAW-UAW REJECTS MEDIATION——CHOOSES TO STRIKE
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