Wellesley Organized Academic Workers (WOAW) went on strike last week in response to the college’s unwillingness to fairly negotiate in union bargaining sessions. Many on campus have been seeking answers about what will happen to classes, student credits, and how to replace the labor being done by these professors. Thankfully, the brilliant leaders at this school have stumbled upon the first solution they could think of.
In a frantic email sent at 2 am earlier this week, the college administration announced that an AI Chimp named “Blorbo” will take over the classes of all non-tenure track faculty effective immediately.
Blorbo, a moving, dancing, bonobo chimp on an iPad screen powered by an AI chatbot, has been authorized to cover classes ranging from Organic Chemistry to Critical Interpretation. This groundbreaking innovation is the result of a collaboration between Starbucks, Amazon, and ExxonMobil facilitated by the Wellesley Board of Trustees after a crazy night out. Over the past few months, Blorbo has been undergoing the accreditation process to become a teacher for students under the age of 6, and the college figured that this would be a suitable solution to prevent students from losing credits for classes not in session during the strike.
Many parents and students have expressed concerns about Blorbo’s qualifications to teach at the collegiate level. These concerns are completely unwarranted. Blorbo has an honorary doctorate in political science from Brigham Young University and is an active, upstanding member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In addition to these air-tight credentials, the chatbot that powers Blorbo has been trained on the writings of horny women sent to Luigi Mangione in prison, so worried parents can rest assured that Blorbo has a strong sense of human emotion and justice.
This isn’t to say that the introduction of Blorbo into the classroom earlier this week went without any hitches. After regurgitating an Organic Chemistry II lecture ripped straight from YouTube, a student asked Blorbo to explain the difference between the acid and base-catalyzed mechanisms for additions to alpha carbons. Blorbo reportedly “dabbed” and said, “The difference is that one is catalyzed by acid and the other is catapulted by the bass. I want to gently stroke your eyebrows, my Italian prince.”
Despite complaints, the administration announced that they have no plans to remove Blorbo from the classroom, citing the value of having students physically in the classroom. The New England Commission of Higher Education has refused to comment on the situation and instead play Solitaire on their office computers.
