New and improved versions of popular movies
With the semester ending, we all need some new movies to break up our Wendy Wellesley workloads and help us relax. Movies that’ll make us laugh, cry, think, feel, run, cook, jump, verbs! I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sick of the normal movies. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, one of them turns out to be a vampire. Here are some movies I’m looking forward to watching as soon as 20th Century Fox responds to my requests:
Interstellar 2: InterSTELLA! —Interstellar 2
Sure, “Interstellar” was great. Three hours of wondering whether Matthew McConaughey’s going to clear his throat once and for all? Where do I sign up?! But, I will say that one thing missing from the space-time continuum of hilarious intergalactic conundrums was the one thing “A Streetcar Named Desire” had – that scene where the guy yells “STELLA!” “InterSTELLA!” is “Interstellar,” just with that extra scene. Trust me, makes a world of a difference.
Gone Girl 2 — Gone Guy
Sure, we love the sexual tension rising and falling between these two nutjobs (Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike), and at times even I was like, “Come on! Get it together, guys!” I mean, all couples go through something. That’s the challenge! It’s always a classic game of “He said, she said, he didn’t murder her and dispose of her body, she’s definitely missing and all fingers point to that.” As an audience member, I was left only half satisfied. Only half so because even though this movie was about a girl AND a guy, the title is just about the “girl”! “Gone Guy” follows a similar plot but instead of Ben Affleck disappearing, it’s his father, played by Liam Neeson. Which brings me to…
Taken 4 — Miss Taken
I don’t know about you (I wish I did; I’ve heard you’re the best), but there’s nothing like watching a movie in which Liam Neeson is super tense and on the phone trying to get a lady (any lady! Daughter, mother, Aunt Pam, whom he’d rather not talk to but, hey, he can’t ignore when she’s been kidnapped, you know the drill with family) back home. But in this era of ladies having-it-all, can we see an Irish woman get Liam Neeson back?! In Taken 4: Miss Taken, a brave woman (played by Liam Neeson wearing a dress) gets back onto the ol’ phone (played by Liam Neeson wearing a phone costume) and says the following line: “I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.” Every character is played by Liam Neeson in a quasi-Tyler Perry-esque way. Does it detract from the drama? Maybe. Does it detract from Liam Neeson? Absolutely not.
The Hunger Games 4 — I Haven’t Eaten Lunch
Based on my life and the lives of many before us, sometimes we just don’t have time for lunch. While the drama and excitement and Jennifer-Lawrence-quirkiness of the previous Hunger Games kept America going, did it really strike that “relevance” chord? In the fourth installment of The Hunger Games, the battle of survival is really between Katniss and Katniss. We see Jennifer Lawrence, now in all her post-apocalyptic survival glory, asking herself, “Why did I skip lunch?” “Should I have a snack?” “It’s 4 p.m., damnit, and I don’t want to ruin my appetite.” It’s 2 hours of real time thrill.
Into the Woods 2 — Into the Concrete Jungle
The magic and charm of those old fairy tale characters take form in the Sondheim musical, “Into the Woods.” Can you say “Snore-ville”? Who goes to the woods anymore? We have buildings and cars and Internet now! I want to see Cinderella there — surfing the web in her stepmother’s house, selling her mice’s clothes on Etsy. Or the baker selling out his store to work at an Au Bon Pain, because let’s be honest, where are our small businesses going? Fairy tales are only at their best when they reflect reality. When at the end of the day, it’s just a couple of people with real problems, singing in unison in crazy costumes in public.
22 Jump Street 2 — 23 Jump Street
What happens when Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum get together for a sequel? Another sequel! 23 Jump Street is everything you loved about 21 Jump Street and 22 Jump Street, but it’s just one more Jump Street to add in the mix. As the zany undercover cops, Hill and Tatum tug on our heartstrings a little bit when they realize that the criminals they’ve been looking for have been inside them the whole time. It’s beautiful. Time magazine calls it “a movie,” and Entertainment Weekly gives it “two thumbs.”
50 Shades of Grey 2 — 100 Shades of Gray
Just a PowerPoint of paint samples.
