***Editor’s Note: This article was published as part of the satirical April 1, 2015 issue.

Living in McAfee Hall now considered for P.E. credit

The elevator in McAfee Hall has experienced numerous issues in the past few weeks, a problem that began one week before spring break. Students have reported problems with the elevator ranging from being stuck on the ground floor to arriving on the wrong floor. In addition, many of McAfee’s occupants must climb five floors to get to their fourth-floor room from Bates Dining Hall, a considerable physical exertion. Given the additional strain of the extra 20 steps it takes to walk to the academic quad from the East Side compared to Tower Court, a number of students pleaded their case to the P.E. department. In response, the department has announced that living in the East Side dorms will now count as two P.E. credits per semester.

Students prepare for flood from melting snow

Following Snowpocalypse 2015, massive piles of snow have started to melt, and there are reports that Lake Waban may flood due to the overflow of water. Students have begun preparations for the impending flood. College Government and the Disaster Preparations Committee are now seeking volunteers to aid in the construction of a Wendy’s Ark. Only President Bottomly’s family and two people from each major will be allowed on the ship, with everyone else left to fend for themselves. The Wellesley College boathouse will be offering life rafts to students with low housing numbers in a first-come, first-serve basis.

Class of 2019 projected to be smallest in history

With Spring Open Campus just around the corner and snow still on the ground, the admissions office has predicted that the incoming Class of 2019 will be the smallest enrolling class in the College’s history. Prospective students who visited the campus this weekend expecting to see ivy-covered buildings and a green Severance Green were disappointed by the sheets of snow still covering Wellesley’s campus. After seeing a tour guide slip on black ice on the path to the Science Center, a group of prospective students and their parents promptly got into their cars and drove to colleges in much warmer climates.