Editors Note: This article is part of our annual satirical edition of the Wellesley News.

A recent poll of Wellesley students found that it was no longer politically correct to ask community members for their thoughts on controversial, relevant issues. “It’s offensive and restrictive to define me by my beliefs,” said Betty Andrews ’18. “Like, I’m so much more than my value system, you know? And I just don’t appreciate being forced to have an opinion on things.” The survey, conducted by a SOC420 class, Voting Patterns among Liberals, found that most students avoided or actively resented having opinions. Surprisingly, the students did, however, unanimously agree that they did not want to complete this assignment.

The polling results key us into an important question: is The Wellesley News opinions team unfairly coercing students into having opinions? As a former author notes, “writing for them was a nightmare. Not only was I pressed into picking a viewpoint on an issue, but I also had to argue that stance in a lengthy article. I think that’s unjustified. No one on this campus should be forced to do something just because they signed up for it.” The Opinions section has been notorious in recent years for expecting committed writers to turn in their work and spamming campus list-serves with intrusive questions. Last year, the Opinions editor was alleged to have written a strongly-worded email that persuaded, and in more accurate terms, pushed a fence-sitter off her post.

Leading the fight against the oppressive opinions section is a former editor, who notes that the news must observe political correctness because it’s the “right thing to do.” When asked why she personally believed in political correctness, she stated that the term had “the word correct in it, which makes it correct, right.” Unfortunately, our interviewer was not able to discern whether that was a question or statement due to the heightened intonation. The editor asserted that the Opinions section had to either adapt to the new standards or cease to exist altogether. Our interviewer then pointed out that this statement was, indeed, an opinion, which the editor refused to comment on.

Wellesley College policies now forbid the Opinions Section from seeking, inviting or demanding perspectives on controversial issues. Given that we may no longer ask or force students to have opinions, our section ought to institute the following new policy: from now on, we will only publish rhetorical questions. Our articles will cease to be content-filled arguments, and rather will consist of a series of relevant questions. In the event that this policy is seen as inappropriate, we will simply fill the pages with the  ̄\_( – -)_/ ̄ emoji.

Because of this drastic change to our policy, we will no longer be referring to ourselves as the opinions team; rather, we will be the Inquisitions Section You might be curious to know what my opinion is on this contentious debate. The answer is, I’m not allowed to have one anymore.

Photo courtesy of vixdojo.com