In a shocking move, The Wellesley Snooze has seized control of The Wellesley News after a brutal not-coup at their last eboard meeting. According to witnesses, the meeting had barely gotten underway when former Snooze Editor and post-not-a-coup Editor-In-Chief Sally Goose ’22 stood and announced that after minutes and minutes of deep thought, she had concluded that the leadership did not have the interests of the paper or its readers at heart.
“No one wants news anymore,” Goose declared. “People just want to read a silly little story and pretend their lives aren’t going downhill and they aren’t wasting their money on a women’s studies degree when you can make bank in a computer science job with six months of training, no degree required. And you all don’t provide that. We do. It’s time to remove the paper towel rolls of incompetent leadership and embrace the damp-handed visionaries of the future!”
Goose then went on to lay out their plan for a new and improved paper, citing how much easier everyone’s lives would become if article writing were outsourced to randomly chosen Yik Yak users and how readership would improve if, instead of newsprint, The News was printed on rolls of now-precious paper towels. The Snoozeroom shared their plans to reduce stress by releasing The News once every two months instead of every two weeks and cutting the copy-editing section because “it’s not like anyone cares about grammar anyway,” and instead using the free version of Grammarly.com.
Witnesses also report Goose forcing the entire eboard to resign, shouting: “Print is dying! Do you want to die with it? I will cheat on your COVID tests!”
Goose denies these claims, stating that it was a “coincidence” that every other member of the eboard was suddenly called away to the quarantine hotel, leaving no one to get the paper to print except herself and her suspiciously well-prepared improv troupe.
According to Gracie Osa ’23, a new editor for The Snooze, “We’re all very honored to step in and help Sally during her moment of need after this horrible coincidence. Because that’s what it was. A coincidence. And that’s what you’re going to write, okay? It would be awful if you were a close-contact and had to go into quarantine.”
Osa also clarified that the word “coup” should never be used concerning last week’s events. Then, she and two other troupe members performed a short scene about how important extracurriculars are when applying for internships and how unfortunate it would be if someone jeopardized their cushy position writing for a college paper by slandering their boss.
Clearly, the new team has much passion for The News and is smarter, stronger, prettier and scarier than the former eboard, so their leadership should be celebrated and never, ever questioned.
Rumors that the former head copy editor is hiding out in the tunnels organizing a resistance movement are completely unfounded, as are the reports that the next meeting will be on Friday at 5 p.m. under Tower; just knock on the door and say Ceiligh sent you and they will let you in, there will be snacks you should totally come please we’re begging you.
