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Welcome back to the second installment of my exploration into the wide world of dating turn-offs, affectionately known as “icks.” In this edition, we dive deeper into how these spontaneous feelings of repulsion manifest and what we can do about them. To recap, last issue I discussed and offered solutions to handling Visual icks (like bad style or “a guy driving a golden Prius”), and Actions/Behaviors (e.g., excessive finger-guns or random meowing). To remind you, the type of ick alone doesn’t dictate the best response. Key factors include its timing in the relationship, if it’s a recurring issue, the ick-giver’s potential for change, and your readiness to compromise. Today, I’ll cover the last three categories: Utterances, Interests, and Character Traits. And don’t worry, I’ve saved the most egregious for last.
Compared to previous categories, icky Utterances often have far less middle ground, as they are stronger indicators of irreconcilable differences, which necessitates swift action. For example, if a man dances embarrassingly, that doesn’t reveal incompatibility, only that he lacks rhythm. However, I’ve been on plenty of dates where a man has told me “you’re not like other girls,” which I condemn immediately. To me, it’s a sign that they view me/women one-dimensionally or are so intrinsically boring themselves. That’s the tame side of things.
I have a friend who, on a third date, was told “our kids would be so cute!” signaling two things, (1) this girl was imagining a long-term future together, and (2) she lacked a fundamental understanding of reproduction (given that they’re both biological women). My friend, who’s a realist and wasn’t looking for anything serious, shortly ended things by expressing concern that they were looking for different things.
Falling under the category of Interests, icks can be as simple as “she wanted to go to a Tate McRae concert,” an indication of their antithetical personalities and music tastes. Other minor icks in this class include, “being too into thrifting as a man,” “really loving house music,” and “having a leather kink.” Strong relationships are formed on the basis of shared interests and hobbies, so early on, if you discover you hate something they love, it likely, but not certainly, won’t work out anyway.
I’ll never forget the day that my first love decided to audition for his college improv troupe. We’d been together about six months by the first time he started telling me about inter-troupe rivalries, attempted sabotage, and overall dynamics in the college-improv-scene. Wanting to be a supportive girlfriend, I swallowed my involuntary abhorrence and encouraged him. Don’t get me wrong, he and his troupe-mates weren’t unfunny people, but improv has seldom made me laugh. Since watching it live and forcing fake laughter exacerbated the ick, my solution was dragging a friend with me and getting high (hoping it’d be funnier)––at least I didn’t have to sit alone in the lecture hall turned makeshift-auditorium like some troupe-groupie.
I really wanted to support him, but the only thing less attractive than watching the man you’re intimate with ~clap into a scene~, is hearing him later that night, overthink whether he should’ve clapped in sooner…or not at all. Additionally, having to routinely answer “um, he’s really involved with college improv” to the question “what’s your boyfriend like?” is unfathomably demoralizing. Ultimately the ick was not responsible for our relationship’s demise, but I can’t pretend I wasn’t thrilled the moment I realized I’d never have to go to an improv show ever again.
Functioning similarly to icks of Interest, Character traits icks emerge from deeper, often ingrained aspects of a person’s personality that clash significantly with one’s preferences or values. These icks can be especially jarring because they reflect more permanent and therefore unsurmountable aspects of a person. An icky character trait can also be the ground from which other icks arise, take for instance, my friend who prefaced her testimony with the statement, “One time I was with a man who loves to sing.”
This calamitous choir casanova invited my friend on a first date to his frat’s Champagne & Shackles event. The point of the event is that you’re zip-tied to your date, and can only cut the ties after you empty a bottle of alcohol together. “Of course, he bought a ginormous sake bottle (the type that restaurants use) so that we could ‘stay cuffed for as long as possible.’ He was so committed to staying cuffed that even when he needed to pee, we stayed cuffed.” Only halfway through the pair’s comically large sake bottle, my friend needed to pee but expressed to her date that she had no desire to go in front of this man. “We compromised. I sat on the toilet with my hand out by the door while he stood outside. I asked him to play music or something because I did not want him to hear me piss. He proceeded to sing “I’m not the only one” by Sam Smith.”
Wow.
How she handled all of that… let’s just say zip-ties and sake create the perfect conditions for acute onset Stockholm Syndrome.
To conclude, I hope that I’ve illustrated the vast spectrum icks, from minor annoyances to major deal-breakers. As we’ve seen, the nature of an ick can reveal fundamental differences that highlight potential compatibility (or lack thereof), and long-term connection. Whether it’s the awkward utterances on a first date or the intense commitment to a hobby, each ick gives us insight into what we can tolerate and where we draw our lines. Remember, while icks can sometimes be managed or laughed off, they often serve as early warning signals of deeper misalignments. As you navigate the complex world of relationships, use these experiences not only to understand others better but also to refine what you truly seek in a partner.
