No one does Thanksgiving like Wendy Wellesley. Here’s an insider look at what’s going to be at this girlboss’s Thanksgiving table.
A classic Wendy Wellesley Thanksgiving follows a seven-course format, as buffet-style gatherings are for common folk and livestock. Begin the day with seasonal hors d’oeuvres and cocktails. A hearty Bloody Mary is the perfect drink for the harvest season, but — assuming that you’re a feminist — substitute the tomato juice with menstrual blood. Your guests will reap both the gifts of the earth and your ovaries. And, assuming that you’re also a woman in STEM, use your molecular gastronomy skills to liquify a vegan charcuterie board.
After making everyone drink fake-meat gazpacho and your own bodily fluids, impress them with an exotic appetizer. I recently heard that midwestern grannies cook this thing called “sweet-potatoes-with-marshmallows.” How quaint! How kitsch! Gentrify this Walmartcore pile of processed sugar and starch by replacing all of the ingredients with truffle salt (both the potatoes and marshmallows).
Finding a good stuffing recipe is a little more complicated. I haven’t eaten carbs since the Great Depression; my diet consists of pure protein, Cuban cigars, and the smell of root vegetables. To accommodate my less disciplined dinner guests, I simply throw slices of Wonder Bread at them like they’re Central Park pigeons. They love it.
When preparing for the most important dish of the night, you must ask yourself, “What would Gwyneth do?” (WWGD). Four score and seven years ago, Gwyneth Paltrow herself came to me in a dream and told me that she’d sooner sell penis-scented candles than serve turkey. If you’re a real alpha female, turducken will be your protein of choice — it’s a chicken stuffed inside a duck inside a turkey. This Russian doll of poultry is an essential part of any BDE (big dick entree).
You’ll need something refreshing to wash down that winged ménage à trois. For your palate cleanser, forgo the generic citrus sorbet in favor of a light hallucinogen — nothing cleans my taste buds quite like a spiritual awakening. Ayahuasca is obviously ideal, but for first-timers, peyote is a good start.
**Don’t forget to pay respects to your shaman plug in South America before poaching their culture and fetishizing their religion. Appreciation, not appropriation! #BarbzStayWoke
While all of my tips thus far are invaluable pieces of knowledge, the most important wisdom I can impart is the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is about showing appreciation for your family and friends. Whether you’re watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade or Thursday Night Football, engage in the traditions that you love with the people that you love. In the Wendy household, we like to celebrate by sacrificing a current Harvard and Vassar student to the Holy Septernity of the Seven Sisters Schools. Sacred satanic rituals make for the most delicious desserts! Draw the Devil’s Pentagram on the floor and occupy its five points with one Wellesley, Smith, Barnard, Mount Holyoke, and Bryn Mawr alumna.
There’s a price to pay for going co-ed, and it’s a Wendy’s responsibility to create karma. In the name of Clinton, Albright, and Jenny Cavilleri, we say amen. Happy Thanksgiving.
