Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be a withering little sad flower sad boy poo poo? No, you haven’t, because that’s your life. Every day. At Wellesley.

8:10 a.m. — wake up for your first class of the day and head to class in your stupid fuzzy polyester pajama pants from middle school. Do your stupid slouchy walk. God, you look stupid.

9:55 a.m. — contemplate death but ultimately decide against it in favor of attending your econ class. What happened to your dreams of doing [insert dream job] for underprivileged communities and social justice? What happened to saving the world and being a good person? Oh, right, you decided you wanted to get paid. Well, shame on you, socialist poser.

12:00 p.m. — go to lunch at Lulu and experience high school cafeteria flashbacks when trying to find a table. Luckily, there’s no “losers’ table” in college! (Sike, it’s the tables near the bathroom.)

2:00 p.m. — take a nap. I bet you sleep with your mouth open like a dumbass.

5:00 p.m. — realize you wasted the whole day sleeping. Punish yourself by eating dinner in Tower.

6:00 p.m. — attend your PE requirement class and remember why you came to Wellesley in the first place: you’re a NARP (non-athletic regular person) who can’t do sports for shit. 

7:00 p.m. — get torn between going to extra help for a class and going back to your room. Choose your room.

8:00 p.m. — shower to wash your body clean of your many, many sins. Note that crying in the shower is the same thing as being baptized. Pretend they’re the tears of Jesus.

9:00 p.m. — try to do homework and almost throw a tantrum three different times.

10:00 p.m. — smoke some weed if you’re cool, because that’s how cool girls wind down for the night!

11:00 p.m. — alternate between dicking around and working until 2:00 a.m.

2:00 a.m. — cry yourself to sleep and get ready to live your simulation all over again.