Being Korean is an increasingly popular trend in today’s society. What’s not to love about Blackpink and cup ramen? As a real-life Korean person, I want to help my Wellesley sibs achieve true Koreandom. Here’s the insider scoop on how to achieve flawless K-Beauty skin, generational trauma, and all the other components that make up a Korean identity.
1. Think mean thoughts
The word “Korean” actually comes from an ancient Sanskrit phrase meaning “judgmental cunt.” If you aren’t secretly fatphobic, racist, and classist, then you’re simply not Korean! To develop a proper Korean mindset, simply look for all visible flaws in other people. If someone is actually perfect and you can’t think of anything mean to say, keep your compliments to yourself. You never want to make others feel good about themselves.
(Practice tip: you are your best critic! Look in the mirror and try insulting yourself. It shouldn’t be hard; you wear headbands with cat ears and jack off to BTS fan fiction, for god’s sake.)
2.Bleach your asshole
Real Koreans are sparkling white all over. Bathe yourself in a solution of Clorox and Calpis until you look like a member of the Cullen clan. The bleach will not only lighten your skin, but it will also destroy your hair follicles so that you can be a pasty smooth beluga whale. If your skin texture isn’t that of an orca, you might as well go die.
3.Surround yourself with mentally ill people (who don’t know that they’re mentally ill)
90% of Korean people’s lives are spent dealing with elderly assholes who refuse to get therapy. Your home should feel like a barely-stable psychiatric unit. It is a fact that the Joseon Dynasty ended because Emperor Gojong tried to diagnose his mom with Bipolar Disorder. If you want your family line to continue, you must never seek the advice of mental health professionals.
(Conundrum: is no one in your household visibly insane? Don’t worry, your shitty Korean that you learned from Duolingo and K-Dramas will give your parents PTSD.)
4.Starve your body
The only thing worse than being North Korean is being fat. And North Koreans are never fat (the exception being Kim Jong Un). If you want to avoid getting crucified in Korea, you should aspire to be the size of a mouse. My daily diet consists of one teaspoon of doenjang and one pink cigarette.
5.Maintain your purity
Besides that one time Japan chained us to beds, there is no record of Korean women ever having had sex. Sex does not exist in Korea. It is a myth. Sex who? No sex. We actually don’t even have vaginas. I am anatomically identical to a Barbie doll.
In conclusion: you have a dire case of yellow fever that will never be cured because Jimin will never fuck you. If you, at any point during this article, contemplated taking any of my tips seriously, you and your fuckass Amazon knee-high socks can fuck off to a midwestern H-Mart.
