America has been doing (cough cough funding) some fucked up shit and it’s all coming to light now. As someone who is kind of not really American, here are some of the other reasons that I think America is fucked up.

1. Child pageants
   1. When I was little, I loved Mary Poppins. You know how the mom from Mary Poppins is a suffragette? I thought she was a pageant queen. I thought she was a pageant queen because the only people I’d seen wear sashes were “Toddlers in Tiaras.”
2. Everyone is stupid
   1. Some lies that have successfully passed as truths in this country: I’m Kim Jong Un’s daughter, I’m the princess of Singapore (doesn’t exist, by the way), and my Korean-American parents will kill me if you don’t give me that A! (They DGAF they’re busy taking edibles.)
3. The laws here are stupid
   1. At 19, I can legally buy an AR-15 if I hop over to NY. But I can’t buy a Malibu elf bar in any state because it’s “bad for my health” lol
4. Make it make sense
   1. I paid american tuition to go to a school that teaches me to love hippy scandinavian socialism. Indoctrinate me with capitalist poison like you’re supposed to.
5. The Tower Court CD made me smoke in the rain
   1. Everyone here is a disgusting, smelly, pot-smoking, no-deodorant-wearing, new age hippy, but I can’t smoke my cigarettes within 35 feet of a building? Fuck off.
6. Your food tastes like shit
   1. (except for brisket)
7. “It’s Everyday Bro”
8. You use everyone else’s child labor
   1. Underpay your own workers, and stop using ours!
9. People expect you to tip here
   1. Actually, pay your workers!
10. Boston sports fans
    1. They are racist, constantly downing “brewskis,” and own too many sports jerseys.

Alternatively, here are some things I love about America:

1. T-shirt cannons