Alas, the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics have come to an end. This year’s Games have only left us wanting more, and 2028 can’t come soon enough. The sunny city of Los Angeles—showbiz capital of the world—is sure to put on a fabulous show, and even though it’s still early days, big plans are already underway. At a press conference with Mayor Karen Bass, major updates to the Games were revealed. 

The most important announcement, perhaps, was the introduction of several new events. In the media speculation leading up to Monday’s press conference, many guesses were thrown out as to what sport could fill breakdancing’s place: squash, cricket, mixed martial arts. Mayor Bass was delighted to quiet the rumors and declare “waterboarding” and “beach bum volleyball” as the two new events set to make their debut in 2028. 

Logistics were also discussed, with the location of the Olympic Village being revealed: “Kim Kardashian has generously offered to house the almost 600 athletes in her Hidden Hills compound,” a representative for the IOC (International Olympics Committee) stated. The only person who can navigate the compound without getting lost—vocalist North West—was appointed the Director of the Olympic and Paralympic Village. 

According to a recent @kimandnorth TikTok, West accepted the position in somewhat of a strategic maneuver: “I want to make the ‘pommel horse guy’ my equestrian coach,” she explained at 2x speed. “And I’m taking Simone to the trampoline park.”

Klan aside, the International Olympic Committee also teased preliminary sketches of their mascot ideas, all of which had ties to important pieces of Los Angeles pop culture and history. Based on current trending Twitter hashtags, Ozzie the Ozempic needle appears to be the most popular mascot. Meanwhile, Lippa—a grotesque, cartoonish reimagining of Lisa Rinna’s lips—incited much backlash and horror, with Andy Cohen calling the creation “the worst thing to happen in Housewives’ history.”

In short, there is much to expect from LA 2028. From Silver Lake to Skid Row, Californians everywhere are looking forward to being part of a most legendary event. Make way, Chocolate Muffin Man—it’s time for Erewhon Xanax Mommy to take the stage.