Brita

This one’s for you, Bates! After the slight plumbing issue, we’ve rallied together to get Brita an official table at the entrance of Lulu. Bring in your water bottle for complementary E. Coli testing, if trace amounts are found, they’ll give you 50% off!

Theranos 

We believe her this time! 

The British Museum

Modern dorm decor is SO last season. Upgrade your room with ethically sourced artifacts from nearly every country around the globe!*

*Ethics up to interpretation. No public information about retrieval from countries of origin. No reimbursement for legal fees associated with these pieces. All unclaimed relics will be distributed to The Davis Museum.  

Leashes For Boyfriends 

Do you have a boyfriend? Is he visiting campus anytime soon? Do you worry about your Sidechat reputation? Similar to Child Harnesses, these high-tech security garments will ensure your lover never gets loose!  

Tupperware 

Mild bankruptcy led Tupperware to introduce a new “Be Your Own Boss” program! Start today by recruiting five friends to the business. Hit 15 recruits and you’ll get ten Tupperwares and one jello mold (pre-greased, not kosher friendly) FREE! 

Command Hookers

This new product guarantees same-day installation of your Command hooks by experienced harlots. Individuals with latex allergies are advised against purchase.