Marking two monumental firsts, Susie Wiles will serve as Donald Trump’s White House Chief of Staff, the first woman in history to hold the role.

Coincidentally, she will also be the first White House staffer to be paid entirely in Kohl’s Cash.

That’s right, Pre-Ozempic Paula Deen says she humbly accepts this role, and when asked what she’ll be bringing to the table, she simply responded, “Casserole.” 

Donald Trump chooses NY Rep. Elise Stefanik as incoming U.N. Ambassador. You might not remember her name, but you probably recognize her face from the antisemitism on campus congressional hearings and the overbite “before” photo hanging in your orthodontist’s office. Regardless, this DEI hire can’t wait to slam the door behind her!

Donald Trump chooses former ICE Director and star of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” (2009) Tom Homan as his incoming Border Czar.

When asked about Trump’s controversial family separation policy, Blart, sorry, Homan responded by saying the cause is near and dear to his heart, seeing as his (ex) wife and kids won’t talk to him.

“He’s gonna go wild on health,” Trump said with a wink, talking, of course, to the parasitic worm currently residing in RFK Jr’s head. After learning it was not, in fact, a “Ratatouille type of situation” as he had assumed, Trump thought carefully and has since rescinded his offer.

Trump tasks Elon Musk to lead new department, “Government Efficiency Commission.” Musk was hesitant to accept the position and told reporters he was hoping to wait for the Commission to be further established, at which point he could step in and purchase the government office, attaching his name and taking credit for any previous progress. 

Further, Elon mentioned how his father and grandfather’s ties to the South African government helped them greatly profit off of Apartheid, and said he “can’t wait to continue their Musky legacy.”

Donald Trump named Stephen Miller as his Deputy Chief of Staff for policy. A Trump staffer reported, “he actually wasn’t the first choice, Dr. Evil has retired so we had to settle for the mini me.”

“There’s always something sneaky going on behind that big ass forehead, and I like that.” Said Trump. In response, Miller just grinned.