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The student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901

The Wellesley News

The student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901

The Wellesley News

The student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901

The Wellesley News

Rebecca Birnbach, Snooze Managing Editor

Rebecca is in her third year at Wellesley College. Yeah, she has a major or two… why, what’s it to you? She’s a well-rounded gal with many very normal interests and hobbies, such as crocheting, taking long walks on the beach, and remaining employable despite the digital footprint she’s amassed as Senior Snooze Editor.

All content by Rebecca Birnbach
Trump Appointee Roasts

Trump Appointee Roasts

Elliot Patterson and Rebecca Birnbach November 12, 2024
When they go low, we go lower.
The best Tanners!

The best Tanners!

Rebecca Birnbach November 4, 2024
What did our peers do this summer?
Theme: personality hire. Graphic courtesy Rebecca Birnbach

Snooze in brief

Rebecca Birnbach October 17, 2024
What's going on in the real world?
Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

An ode to Singh’s Cafe

Rebecca Birnbach October 5, 2024

Oh, Singh’s Cafe, a gem so bright, Your speedy delivery fills me with delight. Your humble walls, with warmth embrace me, As I inhale the sweet scents of a mango lassi.   From spicy curries,...

Graphic courtesy of Eleanor Ahn.

Point: The Wellesley experience is dying. Counterpoint: It’s still alive and well.

Rebecca Birnbach October 1, 2024

Wellesley News: It’s no secret that Wellesley’s social life is not what it once was. Wellesley Snooze: Coke used to be much easier to get.   WN: Wellesley used to have more spaces for students...

Class of 2028 through the numbers

Class of 2028 through the numbers

Rebecca Birnbach September 18, 2024
The college application landscape has been undeniably altered
Courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

Caption Contest

Rebecca Birnbach September 18, 2024

Performance Nutrition for Athletes: Similarities in Diet Across Sports Teams - Blonde ‘28 I swear she does this every year - Kind-hearted Individual ‘26 Next year we should really specify...

"he's got a table at Mr. Purple." Graphic Courtesy Rebecca Birnbach

Barron Trump’s first day at NYU

Rebecca Birnbach September 12, 2024

Hey, you look lost, are you new here? What’s your name? Barron Trump, you said? Son of Donald Trump, you said? Who’s that? Is he a big deal or something? Well anyway, nice to meet you too! How...

Do talk to Strangers: Debunking Myths for Your Entrepreneurial Endeavors

Do talk to Strangers: Debunking Myths for Your Entrepreneurial Endeavors

Rebecca Birnbach March 27, 2024

In our adolescence, we’re taught to listen and respect our elders. But your elders are most likely jealous haters. Wanna know how I know why? Because they lie to your pretty little face. Oh yeah, if...

Picture of a regular cookie sheet in a Tower Court Oven. Image courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach.

Oh, If I Were in Charge

Rebecca Birnbach March 27, 2024

Here at Wellesley, we tend to focus on the big picture. That’s great and all, we have quite a few major and systemic issues on campus. But the thing is, those big things often take up a majority of our...

"I love school" graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

Thanks DeSantis, school is sooo much easier now

Rebecca Birnbach March 27, 2024

Until recently, I’ve always really struggled in academic settings. I overheard my dad telling my mom that he thinks I’ll turn out more street-smart. I think that might be because I hated school so...

Celebrity Interviews!

Celebrity Interviews!

Rebecca Birnbach March 6, 2024

Stop applying to my UROP, I will never endorse you on Linkedin. - Dr., Astronaut, Bridgit Mendler Esq. on Wellesley students. . The truth is, I’m just in the studio working hard on my upcoming...

"Anna's Confession" Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

New at the Davis

Rebecca Birnbach February 21, 2024

Here is sneak peek of some new pieces coming to the Davis Museum later this term:  

Dearest Wendy

Dearest Wendy

Rebecca Birnbach February 7, 2024

YE OLDE WELLESLEY SNOOZE Dearest Wendy,Gertrude Fitzpootrick stole yet another one of my figgy puddings from the communal pantry. I know it was her because she’s always up in that icebox eating my...

"the balls of the bell"

Love Letters

Rebecca Birnbach February 7, 2024

YE OLDE WELLESLEY SNOOZE  

"Me thinks something fishy may be afoot" Graphic courtesy of Eleanor Ahn

Towne Happenings

Rebecca Birnbach February 7, 2024

YE OLDE WELLESLEY SNOOZE Little white rabbit seen hopping through Sev Green!! Next Tuesday there will be a ballot distributed by the College Government, the measures include: - Hoops, for rolling or...

Photo courtesy of BrownU Jews for Ceasefire Now.

Hunger strike at Brown University

Rebecca Birnbach February 7, 2024

After multiple sit-ins, walkouts, rallies and over 60 protester arrests, Brown University students are demonstrating their commitment to the university's divestment “from all companies perpetuating and...

Classifieds

Classifieds

Rebecca Birnbach December 14, 2023

What Wellesley students really want... Hello loyal Snooze readers! As we enter reading period, we know that you and your fellow sibs are growing desperate, scrambling to get your grades up, settling...

Graphic courtesy of Lexi Borden

Newcomer to host Wellesley Drag

Rebecca Birnbach December 13, 2023

The news-worthy question on everyone’s mind: who will host Wellesley Drag next semester with Bimbo Babka, Drag’s founding host, escaping to Berlin? As an investigative journalist, I have made it my...

Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

Gift guide for: Spirited young chaps seeking an adventure

Rebecca Birnbach November 29, 2023

As the holiday season slowly creeps up on us, don’t put off getting gifts for that special little chap in your life. Here are our suggestions! - A brand new scally cap! His current one is so last season...

How I Transformed My Life Using Kiki and Bouba Theory

How I Transformed My Life Using Kiki and Bouba Theory

Rebecca Birnbach November 29, 2023

The last two weeks have been an aggressive slap in the face. A wakeup call that something needs to change. A week of midterms which could only be described as soul crushing. A Thanksgiving break where...

Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

New Film Review: Fuck, Marry, Kill: The Game (The Musical)

Rebecca Birnbach November 8, 2023

Following the box office success of Barbie and Universal Studios' strategic acquisition of intellectual property rights to Mario, Five Nights at Freddy's, Hot Wheels, Sonic the Hedgehog, and other beloved...

"Save me Tower Saltines!" Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

How the Tower Saltines Saved My Life: A Testament to Bravery and Strength

Rebecca Birnbach November 8, 2023

Sure, we all love the super ripped firefighters who come to Tower when a first-year microwaves a raw egg for 15 minutes and the fearless EMTs who drag them out kicking and screaming after they've had two...

"But Grandma, you used to look so preppy!" Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach and Dear Hannah Prep

It Wasn’t So Preppy in Here: How I Escaped Dear Hannah Prep (My Story)

Rebecca Birnbach November 8, 2023

My manager first got the TikTok DM from Dear Hannah Prep's team while she was making me and my little sister scrambled egg whites before our biweekly homeschool. She ordinarily doesn't let us go shopping...

"We've got a lot to learn from each other."

Boy Math Problem Set

Rebecca Birnbach October 4, 2023

Forbes defines "Girl Math" as "an invented set of rules that women supposedly keep to when justifying impulse spending." But "Boy Math is all about nonsensical rules" specifically focused on "general hypocrisy...

Cash money. Graphic courtesy of Eleanor Ahn

SOFC Student Bursar Candidates Endorsements

Rebecca Birnbach October 4, 2023

Finding a student to be underpaid and under thanked can be hard. Let us help you out! 10. You! (Please.) 9. SPOG Frog 8. Blue Burberry Bag Girl (she needs to practice tracking expenses) 7. Spooky Statue...

"'PFR' Album Cover" Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

A Review of Lana Del Rey’s New Album: “Paul Fucking Revere”

Rebecca Birnbach September 20, 2023

*This is an article from the humor section, not real news.* Track List: Under the CITGO Sign Over Fenway The Orange Line Never Came ft. Dropkick Murphys Grandfathah Please Stand On the Celtics...

"Orgs fair fun" Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

Banned Orgs

Rebecca Birnbach September 20, 2023

*This is an article from the humor section, not real news.* In Case You Missed ‘Em… Here are the top ten previously banned or canceled clubs and societies that made their exciting return to campus...

Ignorance girlbossified. Graphic by Rebecca Birnbach, but idk why I photoshopped this one... considering there are many real photos of L*na in a pussy hat.

Top ten times feminism led us astray

Rebecca Birnbach April 27, 2023

1. Pussy hats They are objectively stupid and hideous. 2. Baby showers  The kid’s not even fucking born yet, why do they need a party? 3. When I thought I could carry my heavy ass package...

Tower House Prez Emails

Tower House Prez Emails

Rebecca Birnbach March 8, 2023

Over the course of the past few weeks, Tower Court residents have engaged in slightly more debauchery than usual. As such, the Tower House President has needed to send an influx of emails to curb the recent...

Johnson, Johnson, & Johnson. Graphic by Rebecca Birnbach

Congratulations, Dr. Paula Johnson, nepo baby extraordinaire!

Rebecca Birnbach February 22, 2023

On Dec. 19, New York Magazine published a cover-to-cover exposé analyzing and critiquing Hollywood's nepo-baby boom, dubbing 2022 "The Year of the Nepo Baby." However, although this problem might be most...

Holy HRC candle

Almost Presidents Day

Rebecca Birnbach February 22, 2023

On Feb. 20, Wellesley College students celebrated their sixth annual “Almost Presidents Day.” Students took part in traditional mourning ceremonies as well as celebrations to honor Wellesley College’s...

Ice Spice at Steps. Graphic by Rebecca Birnbach

10 Ice Spice lyrics that are actually about Wellesley

Rebecca Birnbach February 22, 2023

Since our institution's founding in 1870, many influential intellectuals have walked our hallowed halls. Yet, all pale in comparison to our most acclaimed alumna: Isis Gaston – professionally known as...

Graphic by Rebecca Birnbach

A Conversation With Carrie Underwood and Her Lawyer After the Release of “Before He Cheats”

Rebecca Birnbach February 9, 2023

Carrie, you’re killing me here. What? You don’t like my song? The chorus is a written confession. No! Absolutely not, it’s a heartfelt commentary on — And I quote, “I dug...

Graphic by Cheryl Wang

PJ’s Letter to Santa

Rebecca Birnbach December 7, 2022

Fuzzy socks for those chilly New England winters Who doesn’t love cozy socks?    More students paying full tuition The backbone of our glorious institution.    A Bop-It!™ This...

Italians are ppl too. Graphic by Eleanor Ahn

10 Holidays Better Than Christmas

Rebecca Birnbach December 7, 2022

1. Memorial Day In memoriam of when the Snooze was actually funny. 2. Italian’s People Day We love our local Wellesley pizzarias. (Italians are people too!) 3. Wet T-Shirt Wednesday You know the...

Top 10 Girlbosses who aren’t alumnae, but I would totally believe you if you told me they were

Top 10 Girlbosses who aren’t alumnae, but I would totally believe you if you told me they were

Rebecca Birnbach November 18, 2022

Lena Dunham Loud, white liberal with a pixie cut Megan Rapinoe (ibid) We know you’re mad about this, but it’s true Eve (from the Bible, not WALL-E) Had hella plants, but...

Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

The Witches of Wellesley

Rebecca Birnbach November 3, 2022

Here at Wellesley, we seemingly have a club or organization for every interest, hobby, or background, which is why Molly "Chrysanthemum" Smith, '24, felt the need to found the Wellesley Witchcraft Society...

Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

Munger Poop Bandit Flowchart

Rebecca Birnbach November 3, 2022

In light of the news about Munger Hall's very own poop bandit leaving some surprises in the first floor and basement communal trash bins, we here at the Snooze felt the necessity to inform the general...

Exchanging Hillary bobblehead for Starbucks. Courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

10 tips for first-years

Rebecca Birnbach October 1, 2022

The transition to college is hard, whether you’re struggling making friends, navigating the campus or just adjusting to this new chapter of your life. I get it, and as a super cool and informed first-year...

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