Sex and the Suburbs is a weekly column covering the struggles of Wellesley social life. To submit reader thoughts and comments to our columnist, you can use the following link: https://forms.gle/EyrwCGXidxdhkMuj8

Nothing says “young love” quite like the gentle ambiance of a fluorescent-lit communal bathroom, the distant crash of a flushing toilet and the steady drip of a perpetually clogged sink. Yet, here we are — haunted by the noise of squeaking shower shoes.

Apparently, it’s not just the soapy floors that are slippery these days — it’s the boundaries of public decency. Our communal bathrooms have become less about getting clean and more about getting … well, closer. I can’t help but wonder: are these instances of steamy stall encounters a case of spontaneous passion, a rebellion against RA decorum, or simply a misguided attempt to save water during this ongoing drought? 

Whatever the reason may be, I have a message for all my fellow sibs looking to get dirty while sudsy:

Please, for everyone’s sake, turn the knob clockwise and shut this down.

It is gross, not only for any innocent bystander who happens to mistakenly wander into your DIY love den but also for you. Believe it or not, a bathroom used by a minimum of 20 people daily is not the most sanitary of places. Furthermore, you may have forgotten, but we have had a myriad of plumbing problems this year alone (poop surfacing in Claflin and Bates showers, E. coli in the water). The activities you’ve been participating in involve a lot more exposure to (and probably accidental consumption of) our very questionable water supply, and if that’s a risk you’re willing to take you’ve got more problems than my problem set.

I thought it would be helpful to give you freaks a few tips for getting it on while cohabitating, coming from an expert … in dorm living. 

In lieu of the shower, might I point you in the direction of your bed? Your bed is the perfect place to privately enjoy your company. Follow the correct protocol: if you have a roommate, and you happen to be shagging someone other than them, do the right thing and send them a courtesy text. Might I suggest an ever-classy, “hey, can I have the room from 8:00-10:00 p.m. tonight?”

Put a time cap on it, and stick to it.

Next, keep in mind that our walls are quite thin. To be respectful to your neighbors, you should keep your enthusiasm to a meaningful yet passionate 3.5/10, but if you absolutely must (fake it) max out at a 6/10. Nobody wants to hear your fun from the hallway and trust me, and you do not want to be known as the ‘loud room.’ This situation could, unfortunately lead to your roommate not wanting to lend you their room for a few hours. 

If your roommate declines, consider asking your partner to go to their own room. Worst case scenario, and I mean WORST, you could have a “stargazing picnic” –– grab a blanket and a speaker and venture off into a secluded spot in the woods, where at least nobody will interrupt you to brush their teeth.

Have fun but save the shower-specific fun for a more private residence.