I met a guy for drinks last week, and despite sharing many interests and values, engaging in slightly interesting conversation, when my friends asked how it went, the only details I could conjure up were the several instances when he gave me the ick. First, when discussing his love of French literature, I had to correct him when he botched Sartre’s most famous line from “No Exit” –– “Hell is other people.” Amusing, but manageable. Then, he repeatedly mentioned his Ivy League alma mater, but I chalked that up to him being five-years post-grad and awkwardly making an effort to relate to me as a college student. But the clincher was at the second bar when he struck up a conversation with three Frenchmen by exclaiming, “ah mes amis!” They were not in fact, his ‘amis,’ rather, ‘ow you say… strangers. This display of his true francophile nature was definitely icky.
Though he gave me the ick, he also gave me an idea for my column. Today I’ll be delving into the world of uncontrollable turn-offs: when is okay to pull back, and how you might manage your disgust?
Icks are like snowflakes; each is unique, and I still don’t understand where they come from. But I do know not all icks were created equal––some are much easier to overlook while others will leave you with an everlasting visceral feeling of repulsion. All my ick anecdotes involve men, so I surveyed some friends, hoping to gain insight into icks across the spectrum; however, only two stories involved non-men. That’s not to say only men are icky, but my inquiry indicates it’s a male-dominated field. So apologies in advance for this article’s heteronormativity, but data doesn’t lie: men are more objectionable than any other gender identity.
To aid in my investigation of how best to handle them, I’ve identified five ick categories: Visual-Abominations, Actions/Behaviors, Utterances, Interests, and Character Traits. The classification of your ick alone doesn’t determine the best course of action; other crucial factors include when it emerges in your relationship, whether it’s a one-time issue or pattern, the ick-giver’s ability––and willingness––to change, and your willingness to compromise.
Starting with the most surmountable. Visual-abomination icks mainly stem from alterable aspects of one’s appearance. I got the ick when my highschool boyfriend showed up to meet my friends for the first time in the ugliest, foot-long-inseam golf shorts known to man. I subtlely suggested we go shopping together, but the more I looked at them, the more explicit I made myself, ultimately telling him to never wear them again. Later, I forced him to buy shorts that he was probably at least mildly uncomfortable in, but that was the only solution.
Unfortunately, not all partners are receptive to critique. One friend responded to my inquiry with a screenshot of this tweet and one follow-up sentence. “He was too into Top Gun”
She’d been seeing this guy pretty casually for a month when he sprouted ’stache. She decided that rather than just telling him she didn’t like his inauthentic display of manliness, she’d instead complain that it scratched her when they kissed. He countered by remarking how many people (other girls) kept telling him he looked like Miles Teller. Two dates later, they were done––not just because of the facial hair, although it did continue to bother her. She handled this perfectly: it was, in the grand scheme, quite a low-level annoyance; she conveyed her displeasure with it, and being that their relationship wasn’t serious, she didn’t have the jurisdiction to flat-out tell ask him to shave.
But what if it’s not such an easy fix? Scenario: you’re in a committed and otherwise great relationship when you and your partner hit the club. You are astounded and appalled by how much your partner’s dance moves resemble that of a middle-aged man. What do you do? Ask yourself: ‘Do they know how bad they are?’ ‘Can I laugh at them freely?’ ‘Do they take themselves too seriously, or would they laugh with you?’ ‘How often do you foresee going out dancing with them in the future, and can you train yourself to be amused rather than ashamed?’ To summarize, investigate how much of a dealbreaker it is. If you’re the type to go out every weekend and you’re having a tough time shaking the ick, you might reconsider sharing this aspect of your lifestyle with them.
Next, actions or behaviors that give you the ick are usually the most clear-cut. Icky actions that happen once are the easiest to ignore; you might only need to intervene if it becomes a pattern. Examples include doing finger guns or being rude to waiters. Often the ick-giver is amenable, but in the cases when they aren’t, you can take that as an indication that their character’s flawed. Learn from my friend who encountered a “man who would meow,” when she told him to stop “he meowed in response.” This interaction revealed his freakish nature.
Check back in next cycle to learn more about how to handle category-five icks (Utterances, Interests, and Character Traits).
