Cleanses are incredibly good for your health and have proven benefits like a clearer mind, flatter stomach, and diarrhea for days. Juice cleanses are out, and new cleanses are in. Here are some new cleanses we at the Snooze have tried this semester:

• Sleep cleanse: 

Ingredients: Adderall, vending machine Monster

Instructions: Crush up your Adderall, separate into lines, snort. Take a knee, chug a Monster. Do this every six hours for two weeks. 

• Poop cleanse: 

Ingredients: Copious amounts of gluten-filled products, no fiber, vibes

Instructions: Hold it in

• Mobility cleanse: 

Ingredients: Servant

Instructions: Lay down, don’t move, beg your roommate to fill your water bottle

• Celibacy cleanse: 

Ingredients: Your hot bod

Instructions: Have tons of hot steamy gay sex*

*it doesn’t count as self-destructive if you’re drunk

• Sobriety cleanse: 

Ingredients: Copious amounts of drugs and alcohol

Instructions: Go on a bender, no holds barred.*

*ibid

• Class cleanse:

Just don’t go.