YE OLDE WELLESLEY SNOOZE
Little white rabbit seen hopping through Sev Green!!
Next Tuesday there will be a ballot distributed by the College Government, the measures include:
– Hoops, for rolling or hula?
– Proposed amendments to requirements for Dorm Mother positions. Select all who you believe we should extend eligibility to:
- Widows
- Women under age of 40
- Blondes
- Those of southern European descent, including Italians
– Indicate your stance on the suffrage movement: vote yes in favor, or abstain to indicate opposition
Formerly beloved Classics Department professor placed on leave for gross misconduct
– After investigation, the board determined he had not in fact been grading the students he slept with more favorably than the rest. Upon suspending the professor, the board released the following statement: “This kind of fraudulent behavior is intolerable, how else will our students learn how to get ahead in life?”
Weddings and Engagement Section to be removed from paper to make room for news, outrage follows
College facing scrutiny for overall lack of whimsy
– Students should expect more traditions involving dainty ribbons, flower petals and wishing on pennies.
The Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Phi Beta Epsilon to host a formal function this weekend
– Theme: Cops and Robbers and Sluts!
Helen Keller gives piano concerto at Jewett Auditorium
Uh Oh! Scandal Among Inventors: Nikola Tesla claims Thomas Edison stole his idea for light bulb
– “Sure, ‘his’ idea,” says hamster perched upon Tesla’s shoulder.
Wenches caught sunbathing in Munger Meadow
– The midriff-baring grazers were swiftly apprehended by Sheriff Oso Holy.
Husbands stolen by Harvard homosexuals
– Multiple young brides have complained to the press about a severe lack of honeymoon housework. “There’s no cleaning left to do—an intellectual twink has moved into our house and picked out all the wallpaper!” grumbles one Barbara Beard. “Although, I do like the silk carpets he chose,” she later added in a followup statement.
