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The student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901

The Wellesley News

The student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901

The Wellesley News

The student newspaper of Wellesley College since 1901

The Wellesley News

All content by Elliot Patterson
Trump Appointee Roasts

Trump Appointee Roasts

Elliot Patterson and Rebecca Birnbach November 12, 2024

Marking two monumental firsts, Susie Wiles will serve as Donald Trump’s White House Chief of Staff, the first woman in history to hold the role. Coincidentally, she will also be the first White House...

"WHAT IS HE HIDING?" Graphic courtesy of the Romney Campaign jk Rebecca Birnbach

A Wellesley Snooze Need to Know: Why Won’t Obama Release his LSAT Scores?

Elliot Patterson November 8, 2023

I would consider myself to be the ideal Wellesley girl: private preschool, public service internships, and four years of varsity high school lacrosse. After twenty years of dedication, I have come to an...

"RIP Daniel Radcliff or whatever." Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

What to Say Instead of “I go to Wellesley”

Elliot Patterson October 4, 2023

Are you tired of having to explain Wellesley to old friends, relatives, new coworkers, randos you meet at the bar, and anyone from your small ass Midwestern hometown? Tired of the phrases “a small liberal...

"Going once! Twice! Sold!" Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach

I Sold My Soul to Fizz

Elliot Patterson September 20, 2023

9/4/23 Dear Diary, Today is my first day of college and I am so excited! I already made one new friend during orientation, and she has a job for me! A new cutting edge and pioneering anonymous Twitter-like...

Graphic by Raines Seeley.

Miss Me With That Gay Shit

Elliot Patterson March 8, 2023

What does Wellesley mean by women’s college? Vagina. Monday, March 6, 2023, Wellesley College President Paula Johnson came out with a harsh anti-trans statement. Johnson’s email was triggered by recent...

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