Jan. 20, Wellesley College –– in an innovative move that has other institutions green with envy, Wellesley College has just unveiled its latest contribution to social justice: the Severed Dormitory. In partnership with Cambridge-based Lumon Industries, this cutting-edge housing option allows students to locationally split their personalities into their “Wokie,” who fights for progress whilst on campus, and their “Normies,” who just returned from their families’ luxury ski vacations.
“This revolutionary facility was designed to ensure that our students can enjoy their guilt-free hedonism without compromising their campus cred as activists,” explained a spokesperson for the college. “By severing their normie inclinations from their wokie sensibilities, students can indulge in their typical Prime Day festivities, then critique Amazon’s labor practices and capitalist excess mere minutes later.” If that sounds like business as usual to you, you’re not entirely wrong, except in this case, wokies don’t have to bear the burden or take accountability for their normies’ misdeeds. Remember, self-condemnation is one of the biggest barriers to condemning the people who are actually culpable: the companies.
This preliminary program has already proven incredibly successful, with all 100 wokies reporting that their new winter wardrobes are from hours of scavenging the BU GoodWill bins and not, in fact, Mommy and Daddy.
Despite the seemingly flawless execution of this trial, there are murmurs of dissatisfaction among the student body. “It’s great in theory,” said one sophomore, who preferred to stay anonymous as her normie self just returned from Aspen. “But somehow, we never actually make it to any protests. We plan them in detail, sure, but as soon as the Loco turns right on Central Street, then boom, I regain consciousness in the back of an uber black in front of my dorm. My hands, once clutching a megaphone and list of demands, now grasp onto a Brandy Melville shopping bag and Starbucks Iced Brown Sugar Oatmilk Shaken Espresso.”
Critics argue that while the Severed Dormitory is a bold stride towards reconciling capitalist indulgences with social activism, it might be too effective at compartmentalizing students’ lives. “Our wokies are top-notch — they can add an -x to any gendered term. But my normie keeps subscribing to ‘Girlbosses at Goldman’ email lists,” remarked another student, furiously knitting what she believes to be a reclaimed yarn sweater.
In spite of the potential minor pitfalls, our online survey respondents remind us just how meaningful these technological advancements are. “The work we’re doing is really important,” wrote Connie Dissonance ’25 ((she/they) normie) & ((they/she) wokie) “we know it’s important because we can’t know anything about it.” It remains unclear whether Connie’s wokie or normie self was at the helm when they (collective?) wrote this.
*Correction: this is not the first time the Severance Procedure™ has been conducted at Wellesley. It is confirmed that the college had initially conducted trials during covid, but had to table it due to the wokies, en masse, reporting their normies for leaving campus.
