Wellesley College is expecting to have a record-breaking number of applicants for the Class of 2030. This is in light of Donna Trump’s wave of executive orders. She had to sign most of these orders early Monday morning to guarantee that her cognitive functions were slightly above senile before her afternoon nap, as instructed by her local nursing home facility. One of these executive orders designated male and female as the only two genders considered in the United States. More importantly, she established that a person belongs to the gender they are “at conception.” If life begins at conception, then so does girlhood –– since all embryos start off with only XX chromosomes. Due to the science (that she may not believe in), Mrs. Trump has declared that all Americans and future citizens must identify as female. So, congratulations to Wellesley College! They are now utterly inclusive in regards to gender. They have been accepting females (the only sex now) since 1870. And, being on a vibrant campus that supports female empowerment, it is wonderful to live in a time where there is technically a female president. I thought I’d never see the day.
While consulting members of the current student body, there were many positive remarks, the most memorable being, “Huzzah, all men have been abolished,” and “Long live the clit!” When we walk into a public bathroom and get flashed by a flaccid penis, fear not, for it is now considered female genitalia. There will be no masculine energy lingering on campus. The atmosphere will be made fantastical by the presence of loving female same-sex relationships. We will reside in a world where every American is a lesbian and women are no longer oppressed. This will be a very bright and promising reality.
But now, Wellesley College must rally to prepare for the Class of 2030. Over four million babies were born on American soil in 2008, meaning four million domestic females will be eligible to apply to Wellesley College in the following year. Regarding “conception,” 132 million babies have been born worldwide during the most recent year. Seeing that Wellesley currently accepts domestic and international students, 132 million people will be eligible to apply to Wellesley in the upcoming years. Admissions will be buried in applications, sifting through to find the ideal candidates. This may result in an acceptance rate below 0.000001%, making Wellesley College the most selective colligate institution in America. Suck on that, US News.