“Horse crop or Nanny stick?” Graphic courtesy of Rebecca Birnbach
Hi Wellesley! My name is Winnifred. I am eight years old and looking for a new nanny. My old one, Helga, slipped away in the middle of the night last week. We’re still trying to figure out how she got out of the restraints. While I enjoyed the constant look of fear in Helga’s eyes, I am looking to broaden my perspective with a nanny from a new, more exotic place (preferably the Upper West Side, Fairfield, or Marin County). I am looking for an even-tempered bisexual with an interest in the occult, who has a car and can drive me to my numerous extracurricular activities. The car must be a model put on the market no later than 2020 and must cost no less than $50,000. I would like my new nanny to have a TikTok following at least 10k and she must be fluent in at least one of the following languages: Mandarin, Spanish, French, Dutch or Esperanto.
Being such a unique child, I have many unique needs. Last year, my father made a large donation to get me into the distinguished scholars program at my unnamed elite private college preparatory elementary school. Thus, I will need a nanny who can complete those assignments on top of making me my afternoon escargot. I have a biweekly standing reservation at Nobu in New York, so my nanny must have an elevated palate and — if possible — a helicopter license to fly me to and from dinner. I participate in a number of sports including (but not limited to) fencing, horseback riding and aerial gymnastics, so my weeknights are very busy. You will be expected to read at least one piece of classic literature to me every week and produce an in-depth summary. That way, in my impending middle school interviews, I can in fact say that I have been reading.
Due to the high level of stress imposed on me by my ambitious parents, I will be prone to verbal abuse and intense tantrums. You will be expected to sit down and take it. When I hit you repeatedly, or in the case of my first nanny — if I happen to light you on fire — it will be your fault. At the end of the day you will receive a firm talking-to about your inability to control me while my parents comfort me through my tears.
You will be expected to work 85 hours per week, and pay will start at $20 an hour. (Note: this is subject to change depending on what legal battle my investment banker father is in that week.) I hope you will consider being my nanny, and if all goes to plan, I will be able to give you a minimum wage job in about 20 years when I get access to my trust fund and become a billionaire.
