Hello,

I know everyone has been waiting with bated breath for my response to the recent news. My ex-husband, heartthrob Bradley Pitt and his most recent wife Angelina Jolie has filed for separation. People have emailed me constantly “Rachel, how do you feel now that you’re husband and the woman he left you for are getting a divorce?”. Here’s my response:

Angelina-
I’ve been in love with you ever since you starred in Lara Croft. You wanna stick it to Brad? Leave him and bring the kids. I have child rearing experience as seen in my Saint Judes commercial. We both have plenty of experience holding brown children in photos for the publicity.

We also both care a lot about social causes. I care about the environment as shown through my Aveeno commercials. You can tell because the packaging of the lotions are a cool tan color accented with green. We both have a commitment to the arts. You, with your vast variety of directorial debuts that no one watched. Me, with my indie romantic comedies that no one watches either.

Both of us are style icons. I revolutionized a haircut that was super popular in 1994, a glorious of era of the Wonderbra and O.J Simpson. You were the first person to wear a dress with a slit up the side at the 2012 Oscars.

Let’s face it- aren’t we both better off with the human epitome of white wonderbread?

Frankly, watching Benjamin Button made me glad I caught him in his glory years instead of the shaggy homeless version of him you had to deal with. Aren’t you glad to join the ranks of other powerful woman such as myself and GOOP.

I’m sure you were happy to be rid of a man whose best friend is a trophy husband to a famous lawyer.

I am sure that watching him pretend to build houses in New Orleans was titillating but aren’t we both tired of him playing a white savior in slave movies or a man with a beard around other men with beards?

Think of the empire we could build with Gwenyth Paltrow. She’s left the milquetoast British rockstar who can’t even make India look interesting. I’ll abandon my recent lumber sexual indie husband who makes me looks deep. You know what would make me look deeper? Lesbianism.

Move over North West! We’ll schedule playdates with Vivienne and Apple. Together we’ll create an empire of the most oppressed portion of people on earth– White divorced actresses over 30. We’re so excited to have you in our club.

Sincerely,

Jennifer Aniston