Hear ye, hear ye, I come to announce some pressing news. The Y (male) chromosome has been shrinking and losing genes over millions of years. But, this shift seems to be increasing at an alarming rate. We are seeing the first signs of this development in the stunted height of male Bostonians. Yes, you heard it right! The Boston men are tiny. This is being dubbed the Tiny Itty Tim Syndrome (TITS) and is really affecting the egos of men. The Bostonian males are wishing to be called short kings to compensate for this tragedy. Yet, I refuse to give them the satisfaction, because how can you sit beneath my eye level and find the audacity? That’s it…just the audacity. We see it in the frats. We see it on our streets. We see it on our campus. And, this is not coming from the perspective of an Amazon; I’m 5’6” on the best day. I understand they are suffering from the condition of dreadful TITS, but we can not allow the performative male atrocities to continue. Fragile masculinity has no place on Wellesley’s campus or in society. So if we must, strip them of their dignity so that they can become anew. Heal them of their ailment.
P.S. If you were offended when reading this segment, then you are hereby diagnosed with TITS.
