Blonde ’28

Xenomommy to xenomorphy <3

No matter how much you love someone, you might not love them enough to sit through an hour of “Political Uncertainty in the Waffle House Management Hierarchy.” It’s okay, we’ve all been there. There are some things in this world that you just don’t care about, no matter how many of your friends need to farm for LinkedIn clout.

Unshackled by research papers never written, prepare to fire off one of these convincing excuses while riding the Loco to Newbury Street or lying on your bed watching YouTube with your laptop on your chest. As the guilt pools in your gut, your thumbs can type out something completely believable, like: 

1. I fell into the new fountain by Clapp and have yet to make it out of the drain (don’t call facilities tho there’s a really hot merman in here) 
2. I got a cold brew from Saxbys and teleported to Goldman Sachs HQ and am waiting for my Greyhound Bus back from NYC
3. My dog ate my homework 
4. I felt the sun for the first time in 4 months and decided I’m quitting New England and transferring to UMiami 
5. I’ve been chosen as the new AI Jesus Christ to replace Trump, and I need to get on Twitter (X?)
6. I got my period and something shaped like the egg from Alien came out and I’m scared I’m being launched into xenomorph motherhood 
7. I heard the second coming of Christ was tomorrow, and I booked a priest to repent for the next 6 hours 
8. I got beaten by a 2nd grader in Minute to Win It multiplication table race, and I’ve been recovering from the loss 
9. I fell through the crack between the orange line and the platform and am now having terrible subterranean lizard man sex under the train
10. I went up the half staircase on Claf 2nd and entered Narnia (brb chilling w/ Aslan rn) 
11. I’ve been trying to light a cigarette for the past 3 hours but the wind keeps blowing out the light and then I light it again but then more wind and then I light it again and you get it ugh I need a cigarette 
12. Calling my mommy 🙂
13. Cut bad bangs, cannot be seen for the next 9 business days
14. Teaching myself to recite all of the communist manifesto by heart 
15. Mark Zuckerberg is at my door and I am afraid
16. Sorry I’m on the toilet
17. The Redcoats are coming!!
18. My iPad exploded 
19. My laptop exploded 
20. I exploded