WASHINGTON — Despite failing to obtain approval for construction or consult a Feng Shui expert, The White House has started tearing down part of the East Wing to build the world’s worst prom venue Trump’s ballroom. 

So here’s what we know about the project: The East Wing is being demolished to make way for an enormous new ballroom — 90,000 square feet, the perfect size for a Spirit Halloween (though sources tell us Spirit has already attempted to claim the space, planning to expand their “sexy war criminal” and “sexy war criminalette” selection for the occasion). The renovation is set to cost around $250 million, which is fine. The kids don’t need school lunch anyway, plus that means we’re saving money on Ozempic. Win win!

According to preliminary blueprints left in a Georgetown Panera, the new ballroom will feature gold crown molding, the original transplanted ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and a DJ booth shaped like a bald eagle. Ca-caw! White marble busts of all past presidents will line the walls, each with a motion sensor such that fire will shoot from their eyes as an EDM remix of “God Bless America” pumps from the chandelier speakers upon every guest’s arrival. 

Historians have expressed concern over the destruction of a key historical area of the White House. “It’s not just a building; it’s a symbol of democracy,” said one expert, moments before being drowned out by the sound of a jackhammer spelling “B-I-G-D-A-D-D-Y-T-R-U-M-P” into the floor tiles. White House officials assure the public that the wing’s most historic traditions will remain in place, as only men will be allowed inside. “Authenticity is at the forefront of our focus,” a designer reminds us. 

Rumors suggest that the ballroom may be available for rent post-presidency, with potential uses including:

• Bar Mitzvah parties (descendants of Netanyahu only)
• The debut season of “Dancing With the Czars”
• Mini golf!!!

The ballroom’s grand opening is rumored to be quite the event: a ribbon-cutting with live performances from Billy Ray Cyrus, Kid Rock, and the ghost of FDR (no bags no bottles) ($5 for libs). Americans can take comfort knowing that even though healthcare, housing, and education remain in shambles, at least the East Wing will finally have bottle service.