We at The Snooze feel we have not been explicit enough in sharing our opinions regarding today’s social and political happenings. To amend this, we hereby dedicate this issue, our final one of the semester, to discussing things we think are actually very good and right, and to their very core, truly American. We write in support of:
Cutting the Wellesley Teacher Scholars Program
Education, some say, is a pillar of society. We disagree. Throughout the years, the Teacher Scholars Program has funneled like eight or nine students into the frivolous career of “teaching,” a profession notorious for producing literate children. Nerds! Who needs that? Cutting the program is not just a cost-saving measure — it’s an investment in our future. If we stop making teachers, eventually we’ll stop making schools. And if we stop making schools, society can finally be freed from the tyranny of “learning” and “critical thought.” A representative of the provost’s office tells us, “it’s not that the program wasn’t successful…it really had nothing to do with whether students were having a good time or not…it’s really just been about how very very difficult it’s been for our office 😢,” which we, like, totally get. Why do hard things, right? Take it from the US Department of Educa– huh? What are they doing to it? Oh. Cool. We salute the Provost’s office for aligning its policies with our nation’s proud tradition of pretending to value education, keep up the good work!
Daylight Savings
As a member of the Wellesley College Retirement Home (those who call campus PO at 11 PM to complain), I want to speak for those unrepresented, those too scared to live their truth. The sun setting “early” is an opinion created by the weak-willed night owls who have no concern for sleep. We love feeling ugly and depressed actually. Sunshine be damned! Why stop at 4:30? Seeing the last remnants of daylight at 4 PM truly makes my entire week flourish. Let the sun set at 3:00! Let it not come up at all! I love it. I love being pale, malnourished and sickly. It reminds me that I’m alive, but just barely. Ghastly Victorian complexions and SAD are hot, by the way — not that you would know anything about being hot these days. Besides, without a minor circadian shift twice a year, what else would you have to blame for your horrible vibe? People might start to discover that you actually just suck. Yes, big government, make that sunlight your bitch!
Boston Logan Airport Rideshare Pickup
The Boston Logan Experience™ is already a spiritual trial, but Logan has courageously pushed the envelope by crafting a rideshare pickup system that’s even worse than trying to convince a friend to pick you up. You know what we’re always itching to do after cramming all of our worldly possessions onto a Boeing 787? Go up and down a thousand escalators just to get bitched by the terminal B parking garage. We believe there is nothing more refreshing and rejuvenating after a long and tiring flight than completing a pilgrimage through six different climate zones from baggage claim to the cruel depths of hell (central parking). Def wasn’t designed by a sadist! Boston Logan was getting a little too efficient, so we are pleased with the rideshare pickup’s attempt at reviving the good American tradition of wanting to bring a bomb to the airport.
Custom Ink Merch
It looks great on everyone!
Keeping the Epstein Files Confidential
[REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED] and also [REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED] ‘til it’s backwards! #America
Final Group Projects Worth >30% Of Your Grade
College is about suffering teamwork, suffering communication and suffering flexibility. Nothing else matters. In line with our support for high-stakes standardized testing (not written due to death threats), we believe that teamwork has a standard, and it’s at least 30% of your grade. Since college can’t make you a valuable member of society (a man), you might as well work to become a productive member of society (something like a man)—and to do so, you must take the ultimate test: survive coordinating the Gcals of three twenty-year-old girls who care more about the gum on their shoe than this project. Democracy be damned.
The Cold That I’ve Had for the Last Week and a Half
Skill issue tbh. Maybe my immune system just needs to lock in? The sniffles are an early-human warning sign for death, I should be thankful to breathe out of one nostril. This is natural selection taking place, and I’ve decided to surrender. I’m sorry for trying to clear my throat quietly. That’s my bad. I love you Big Pharma.
Stand your ground. XOXO
